I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
