Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
