If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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