It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
