Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize