I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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