haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
