I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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