last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
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