I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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