I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
