I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
