we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
