just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
