I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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