How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
