dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I don't deserve a penis
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Panties = found
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