woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
