I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
he puts the penis in happiness.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I cut my penus on the lid.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
