I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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