Swine flu is the new snow day.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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