u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
