high people should be assigned attendants
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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