I wanna bring you to show and tell
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
How naked do you want me to be?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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