So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
