i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
