his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
