I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
