I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
