I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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