Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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