i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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