thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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