They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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