I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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