I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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