Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
