Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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