he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
