I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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