just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
