Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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