I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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