...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
