i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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