I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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