If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
