I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
