I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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