and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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