I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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