Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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