my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
