moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
its liver damage thursday
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize