my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
