no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
