Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
