Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
