I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
