24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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