I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
