I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
