For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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