they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
