Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
